The first couple of months of 2020 have turned out to be much less than ideal. Quite frankly, it sometimes feels as if the world is ending.
Recently, I’ve been having trouble keeping motivated. There used to be things to look forward to like travelling, seeing my friends in person, going to big events, etc. Nowadays, with every big event happening on Zoom, it’s harder to be excited. Beyond that, with all of the big tragic things that are happening on the news all the time, everything I can do feels so trivial.
This feeling extends to pretty much everything in my life, including this blog. Writing about my skincare or dining halls feels so wrong when people are out there dying during these scary times. Yet, I tell myself I must continue doing what I’ve been doing to maintain some sense of normalcy. Should we even do that though? How are we supposed to pretend like things are normal when things aren’t normal? Why should we even do that in the first place?
In setting up this blog, and in a lot of the other side projects I’ve taken on in efforts to remain positive and productive, I’ve hit a lot of highs and lows. I’ve really been trying to remain positive, but sometimes it’s not so easy. What I typically share on platforms like this blog and the internet seem so trivial right now given what’s going on in the world.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting a lot more than usual. And as someone who’s not usually so in touch with her emotions, I feel pretty strongly about so much right now. Yet, I write and post about things like drinking water every day and healthy snacks because my thoughts are so cluttered and it’s therapeutic to think and write about the things that are easy to process.
For the last couple of months since I’ve been home, it feels like I’m truly just floating around and nothing feels quite real or important, even when I know they would be otherwise. If you know me at all, you’d know that I love to have control over as much as possible. Sitting at home, watching everything play out on the news and social media, and having absolutely no control fills me with a strange and unsettling mix of anger, hopelessness, and confusion.
Fortunately, what I’ve come to realize is that things are relative. The problems we each face on a day to day basis are often never a match for the horrific racism in our country or the terrifying effects of this pandemic, but they’re difficult things we must deal with nonetheless. The victories and joys of our individual lives may also be small in scope compared to huge things like a new virus saliva test, but we can and should celebrate those things too. All in all, we need to use good judgment to treat more things as meaningful, even during this time. Some really terrible things are going on right now, but don’t let that completely take away from what you’re personally going through too much.
Plus, not every day is so bad. In fact, I’m actually quite happy with how my life is right now. I have everything necessary that I could want and I’m super privileged for that. And, I have lots of really good days too, but I’m definitely counting the days and on the edge of my seat waiting for when things are better. What I’ve learned from this scary time so far is that it’s impossible to have control over most things that are going on in the world, that it’s ok to be unmotivated and uninspired sometimes, and that the scope of what we as individuals are going through are relative but also relatively important nonetheless.
Originally published at http://merakibeans.com on June 3, 2020.